


you stand on my shoulders and my heart just breaks

by fandomslut1998



Series: when you left me alone [1]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Breakup, Character Death, Depression, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Poisoning, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Michael is a Little Shit, Pining, Songfic, The Weight-Shawn Mendes, and not in a good way, based on a Shawn Mendes song, young death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-18
Updated: 2015-08-18
Packaged: 2018-04-15 07:40:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4598460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fandomslut1998/pseuds/fandomslut1998
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Where Michael slowly forgets about Luke, and Luke slowly remembers why he tried to forget.</p>
            </blockquote>





	you stand on my shoulders and my heart just breaks

**Author's Note:**

> title from 'the weight' by shawn mendes

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_I wanna go back,_ _Forget that it's over._ _Paint it in black,_ _When you left me alone_

Michael stopped answering his texts, unless they were the suggestive ones that meant Luke wanted his body, not him. Because, as Luke figured out, that's all that Michael wanted. He wanted Luke's body, not the giggly, awkward adolescent who used to hang on Michael's every word and follow him around like a lost puppy. As Luke lay in his small childhood bed alone, suffering from an infinite hangover, he remembered how Michael used to hold him during big storms, stroking his flat hair and cooing in his ear to sooth him during nature’s fit of anger. He also remembered how, when they were out in public, especially with Michael’s friends, he would shake off Luke’s hands. He almost avoided him completely sometimes, and once even pulled him aside into the bathroom to yell at him for  _being too clingy_. 

\---

Luke sighed shakily from his place buried beneath the comforter.  _Too clingy_. Another reason Michael left, another thing to hate about himself. 

\---

He remembered when he was sick, and Michael surprised him with chicken soup. He came over after work that day – without Luke even asking him to – and held him when he was done puking the soup into the toilet. (He didn't stay in the bathroom once the bile started coming up, and he certainly didn't stroke Luke's hair out of his face, but he was _there_.) He also remembered when Michael asked why there was smeared blood on the tiled floor in that same bathroom, and how easily he accepted the lie Luke stuttered out (" _I had a nosebleed_."). When Michael later found out that he had lied, he didn't care to hear what the truth was, instead choosing to go clubbing with some friends. Luke couldn't go with him. He wasn't 18 yet, so he was left alone.

\----

_I never knew,_ _you were sleeping next door with the kid I grew up with._ _And I can't go back to him anymore._

When he was 17, Luke lost his virginity, but it wasn't to Michael, even though they had been dating for a few weeks by that point. The older boy had dragged Luke to a party, wanting to show him off. Luke agreed hesitantly, and innocently accepted a pot brownie not five minutes after they arrived. A drunken dare later, Luke found himself on his stomach in the wet backyard grass with his pants around his ankles and dirt up his nose. His eyes filled with tears as one of Michael's "friends" pounded into him. No amount of cheap beer could take away the pain of the precious gift Luke had lost. 

The next morning, he woke up on a strangers couch while Michael woke up next to one of Luke's old friends. Michael didn't care that Luke could barely walk - instead, he made fun of him for falling over when he was walking down the front steps. Michael either didn't know or didn't care that Luke had been deflowered - instead, he showed up a couple of days later with a new hair colour, pushing Luke against the door and asking if he looked sexy. Luke nodded and didn't fight it when his clothes were taken off. It didn't matter to him anymore.

As he was fucking his underage boyfriend from behind, Michael said that Luke was a dirty little slut, and that dirty sluts deserved to be punished. Michael didn't let Luke come at all that night, even though he had three orgasms himself.

\----

Luke curled into himself in his cocoon. He was a _slut_. A _dirty, useless whore._

\----

_Put you in the past,_

_Try to forget you 'cause it's over._

_And every time you ask_

_I'll pretend I'm okay._

When Luke turned 18, Michael asked him to move in. Luke refused. He wanted to go to college. Michael didn't like that.

 

Luke moved in before the end of the week. 

 

Michael showed how happy that made him by keeping Luke bound to what was now their bed for almost four hours with his birthday present on. (Luke hadn't been sure how to react when he opened the box with the silicone cockring inside.) Even though it really wasn't, Michael seemed to think that it was enjoyable to be sobbing by the time Luke was allowed to have an orgasm. 

 

\----

 

When Michael went to work the next day, Luke had tried to forget. He always tried to forget, but instead he was laying here, _remembering_. 

 

\---

 

A few days ago, Luke ran into Michael - literally - at a club. When Michael realised who he had spilled his drink over, he wiped uselessly at Luke's soaked chest with his sleeve. Michael tried to smile. Luke didn't. Michael asked how he was. Luke said he was okay, and didn't bother returning the question that he knew was merely a formality. 

 

\---

 

Luke stumbled out of his bed for the first time in over 12 hours. He looked in the mirror at the faded shell of himself. _He wasn't okay_.

 

\---

 

_You're inside my head -_

_In the middle of the night,_

_When I don't feel right,_

_I dream I can hold you_.

 

When Michael dropped Luke off after their last fight, Luke had stood pathetically in front of his parents' home with his bag in his hands. He dreaded going inside, so he didn't. Instead, he walked a few blocks to the park where he used to rendezvous with Michael to go on dates, hoping that Michael would come to take back the terrible words he had said. Hoping that Michael would pick him up, that he would be crying and asking for forgiveness, that they could be happy again. Except that they were never happy. Luke sat on an open park bench, and stayed there when it started to rain. The morning found him with tired red eyes and damp hair under a tree - ironically, the same tree that had the initials L.H. + M.C. inside of a crudely drawn heart. 

 

When Luke went back to the house hours later, he didn't acknowledge anyone. He stalked up the stairs to what was, once again, his bedroom. He didn't sleep at all for almost 72 hours - then, he crashed hard, falling asleep on the living room couch. When his mum couldn't wake him up fully, one of his brothers carried him upstairs, where he stayed for two days. He went through another period of no sleep - after he was put to bed, he woke up routinely, forcing himself to awaken from the memories that he longed to experience again. Everywhere he looked, Luke saw Michael. He started to get rid of everything. Out went the Xbox that they had played FIFA on for hours; out went the cute photobooth pictures from the mall. Out went the old iPod Michael had once given him; out went the shirts he had left behind. He destroyed his Facebook account: first he spent over an hour deleting everyone that he knew had slept with Michael or been friends with him at any point, then he deleted the whole thing the next day. 

 

\---

 

Luke went back to bed with his meal for the day - a bottle of whatever alcohol his family had forgotten to hide. _He was alone_.

 

\---

 

_You tell me you were happier with him, but you want me to stay._

_And you tell me that you needed time, but you pushed me away._

_And when you try to take me back, my heavy heart just breaks_..

 

Two months later, Michael had come back with teary eyes and a deprived dick. Luke's family wouldn't let him inside, so he went away. He was back the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that no one else was home and Luke finally opened the door. Michael pushed his lips onto Luke's desperately, and Luke didn't know what to do. When they finally pulled away, Michael said that he had been staying with Calum Hood, and did Luke remember him, from that first party? Luke nodded numbly and let his ex continue. Michael said how Calum (later he slipped up and said Ashton, but Luke didn't mention anything) made him happy, really happy, but he missed Luke, and would he come back? Luke shook his head silently, but let the other man carry on. Michael said that he had just needed a little time, and that's why it had taken him so long to come back, and would Luke please give him another chance? Luke didn't nod or shake his head, and Michael stroked the back of his hand lovingly, like he used to. When Luke still didn't respond, Michael put his lying lips to Luke's ear and breathed, "maybe this will help you make up your mind," before leading Luke to the bedroom. And Luke was stoic the whole time Michael loved him. He didn't know what to do, because Michael had never loved him before. After he came, Michael got mad at Luke for not showing any emotion. He yelled, and Luke finally broke down. His brothers came home and kicked Michael out. They gave Luke some tea and put him to bed, like they did when they were younger and their parents were both working late. 

 

No one questioned him when he stumbled home drunk the first two times. The next three times, they gave him painkillers sympathetically. The next few times, they looked at him with concern. After that, it was too late.

 

\---

 

_But I can't lift the weight,_

_No, I can't lift the weight._

 

Luke laughed to himself. _It was too late_. Luke took a swig. He grinned at how _stupid_ he was. Luke finished the bottle. He grinned at _nothing_. Luke fell asleep. The weight on his heart finally made it crack, and _he didn't wake up_.

 

  



End file.
